I’ve got so much going on in my body and mind at the moment.
I’m really negotiating the massive changes I invited into my life back in March.
I am being reminded of my arrogance or perhaps my innocence. When I made those changes and said I was willing to go into the void, to face not knowing. I really didn’t know how hard it would be.
I knew I was making a deliberate chance to experience a profound life transition. I wanted to apply my self-knowledge and acquired wisdom to this situation, one which had caused me the most stress in the past. I wanted a to allow myself to sit in the void of not knowing and trust by doing that I would learn more about myself.
I didn’t know that by doing this I would be calling up my 13-year-old self. She’s been really present for me since mid September, reminding me about the massive changes I went through at that age. My transition to a high school far away from home and going through puberty were massive changes and sometimes I felt like I just wanted a break. Sometimes I just wanted to stay under the covers and not face the day.
Recently my 13-year-old self has been reminding me of this time an asking me not to push myself so hard. So after really hustling to create Feel Real Heal I have been taking my foot off the accelerator and practicing patience. It’s been hard. What comes up most often is fear.
Fear came up big time for me last night. I went to bed early but I couldn’t sleep. I lay there and became aware of my fear. I started to have a conversation with it.
Actually not a conversation but a dialogue or dyad – a communication technique I’ve learned from meditation and self-development courses.
In a dyad there is a speaker who asks the same question over and over and simply listens and accepts the listener’s response without engaging.
Last night I felt my fear come up and decided to ask myself:
“What are you afraid of?”
I let a response arise from my fear, listened and accepted it.
I noticed how I wanted to jump in and comfort my fearful self by talking her out of each scenario she came up with.
But I didn’t engage, I just asked again.
“What are you afraid of?”
I noticed how many layers there were to my fear.
I’m afraid people won’t like me.
I’m afraid the business won’t make enough money.
I’m afraid I’ve made irreparable mistakes
I’m afraid I’m not loveable.
My fearful self had plenty to say.
I practiced listening until she had no more to say. Fear is a part of being human.
I haven’t got a magic wand to wave it away but I am learning to be with my own fear with compassion, acceptance and understanding.